The Birds and the Bees Go Weasley!
by Donna of the Grey
Summary: Bill tries to give his four younger relatives, the 'Talk', however this ends up in ultimate confusion and drunkedness!


Yay! Second Harry Potter fic! The first one is about the Ginny's ABCs, which you need to read to get the Hermes, and the owl and dog part. And also, before anybody asks, H-E-B is a large grocery store found all over Texas (I'm not sure if it's in other states) and I'm sure that the Weasleys don't know about it, but this is a fanfiction. And this is before Ron met Harry, so on to the fic!

Ron, Ginny, Fred, and George were seated in a small circle around Bill, who was waiting for any objections before he began. He had some beers next to him, just in case. After Mr. Weasley had tried to explain this to them, and ended in failure, it was possible that they wouldn't make this easy for him.

"It's now time that you learn, 'The Talk'." Bill began, gaining confused looks from the children that sat in front of him. Fred and George, currently twelve, were sitting there amused, while Ron looked confused, and Ginny, barely ten, looked extremely bored. "Talk?" she asked. "We always have talks."

"That's not what I mean," Bill laughed. "Then?" asked Ron, still confused about the 'Talk.' Fred and George laughed, making silly faces.

"I will begin my discussion of the Birds and the Bees."

"Bees hurt!" Ginny protested. "This has nothing to do with that!" Bill snapped. "Now, the girls are the birds and the boys are the bees."

"Why are they birds? Why can't they be puppies or kitties? Or--" Ginny asked, puzzled. "Because that's how it is." Bill muttered.

"Bees hurt! Why can't we be something manly like a lion or a--" Fred started. "Because! Shut up and listen!" Bill nearly shouted.

"And when a bee likes a girl, and they love each other very much, he 'stings' her." the older Weasley went on.

"That hurts!" Ginny squealed. "Yeah! And why would the bee sting the bird if he likes her?" asked George, raising an eyebrow. "Because that is how the bee shows affection." their brother responded. "Now, the Bird lays an egg, and out comes a bird or a bee."

"Huh?" asked Ron. "How can the Bird have a bee?" asked George, puzzled. " . . . " thought Bill. "We're not really talking about animals here."

"Anyway, when the bee stings the bird, the father bird gets mad."

"What?" Ron frowned. "How can the bird's father be a guy if guys are bees?" Bill rubbed his temples furiously. "We are _not _using _real animals_." he gritted out.

"But--" Ginny began. "Fine! He's a bee." Bill exclaimed. "But how can he have a bird?" asked Fred, curious. "It _doesn't_ matter!" the Weasley boy snapped. "Yes, it does." George replied. "Fine. He adopted the bird."

"How does a bee adopt a bird?" Ron asked, unbelieving. "Look. I said it doesn't matter." Bill growled. "But . . " Ron trailed off. "The bird didn't want her daughter so she gave it to the bee." Bill answered quickly, then added, before they asked why, "Because the Mom didn't want kids."

"Then, the bee gives something to the bird that will give her a baby." the Weasley continued. "He gives her a stork?" asked Ginny, her eyes wide. "Urgh." gritted Bill. "YES." he finally said, taking a drink from the beer bottle he had opened. "The stork's name is Penis, and he helps the bird have a baby."

"Penis?" repeated Fred. "Yes."

"How can a stork carry a baby?" inquired George. "He has helpers." the boy coughed.

"Who?" Ron and Ginny frowned. "Um, three little things called sperm, egg, and uterus." coughed Bill, and the a little lower he added, "There's actually four."

"Oh . . okay. So that's how birds get babies?" asked Ginny. "Yes."

"So bees adopt birds, then other bees give a stork to the bird so she can have a baby?"

"Not really." Bill laughed.

"Then what?" asked the four children.

"It means that real boys and girls have sex and have babies!" shouted Bill, taking another sip of his beer. A look of understanding flew into their faces, but then . . .

"What's that?" asked Ginny brightly.

Bill rubbed his temples and began explaining about it (while the four kids had wide eyes), and what not to do, and what he should use, but by this time, he had somehow (he can't really say somehow) gotten drunk and ended up giving wrong information.

"And so--hic--you can have sex, but you need to use a condor."

"You need to use a bird?" yelped Fred.

"Yeah. Otherwise you get Eggs and H-E-B, and once you got those, you're busted!"

"That's it?"

"Oh no, you can get ABCs and Crabs." the drunk Weasly added.

"I heard of those!" George exclaimed.

"From where you little pervert?" glared Bill.

"Uh . . . "

"Anyways," Bill continued. He went on about the dangers of 'H-E-B' and 'ABCs' and that masturbation was against wizarding laws because it cause temporary magic breakdown. When Ron asked what that was, Bill explained and the children listened with horrified expressions, then it became an argument about underwear, but Bill not wanting to lose any more of his sanity while he was drunk, refused to think about it, and they soon resumed their old topic.

"So, every time you masturbate, God kills a kitty." he ended.

"Hermes!" screamed Ginny, running off wailing. "--Or an owl--"

"Mr. Beak!" Fred gasped horrified. "Someone killed my owl!"

"And most definately, dogs."

"Noooo! Sparky! Come back!" Ron wailed, falling to his knees. "So basically, most of our pets were killed by this master-debation?" asked George. "Yep." Bill nodded, and fell asleep drunk.

That same year, after Bill left to go to his job, Ron made new friends called Harry and Hermione.

"Birds and bees?" asked Harry. "Nobody's ever talked about that to me before."

"Neither have my parents." Hermione responded.

"My brother told me, but I still don't get it." Ron answered.

"Well, maybe I'll get it." Hermione smiled.

"Okay." Ron nodded and began explaining what Bill had told them.


End file.
